A serious ear infection kept me from seeing Bob for two
weeks. I was frustrated as well as being sick. When I did finally get to see
him he seemed a bit depressed but he knew who I was.
A few days later, on New Year’s Eve, I returned around 5
p.m. to a completely different Bob. I now think he wasn’t depressed at all but
just tired. He was fresh from a bath and
very chatty, in fact, so chatty it surprised me because he usually has little to
say and we often sit in silence, just holding hands, communing on a different
level.
He was animated and while I could understand little of
what he was saying I caught a few refrains.
He said, “I’m carrying a knife, just in case.”. I agreed it was probably a good idea.
I always agree with what ever he says because this keeps
him happy and keeping an Alz person happy is important for their mood
later. My reality is not the slightest
bit important.
I also search my memory to see if I can make a connection
with what he’s saying and something in his past, like the knife - he had a
hunting knife most of his life which came in handy for cutting bread and cheese
at picnics or cutting string or just about anything. I still have that knife
safely in it’s leather sheath in a rarely opened cupboard. When I come upon it,
it brings the old Bob back to me for a few moments. When I can make these connections it gives me
a deeper way to communicate with him.
After more ramblings he said, “I’m moving my stuff.” I asked, “Oh are you doing it slowly or all
at once?” Again I couldn’t understand
his answer but it gave a feeling that I was there with him and supporting him.
Sadly the only other thing he said I could understand was,
“I don’t see you very often.” This always stops me in my tracks. What do I say?
It makes me initially feel guilty that I’m not with him more often but then I
realize this is Bob’s reality and he will forget this thought in a few seconds.
I smiled directly at him, patted his hand, kissed his forehead. He was OK.
I left with my usual excuse that I had an appointment to
do computer work. He’s familiar with this statement and doesn’t hang on. I have work to do and work was very important
to Bob - an acceptable leave taking.
Of course we have no idea what this New Year will
bring. I’m floating on acceptance of
‘what is, is’ right now. I sometimes wish I’d gotten to this place sooner in
the Alz journey. It would have been so
much easier on both of us.
May 2014 bring you Peace, Love, and Acceptance.
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